It's your divorce. It is you who is going to have to live with the consequences. As a result, you are the one who needs to decide how to get through your divorce. You can choose how you're going to get through the process in one piece, and what sort of life you're going to lead when you're finished.

FIRST - Get Counseling.

At first glance, it must seem strange to think you could save money by spending $70 or $80 per hour on a counselor. But it does make sense. The technical issues in divorce are usually pretty simple. What makes the process so time-consuming - and expensive - is the emotional intensity of the parties.

To negotiate effectively, you need to draw a line in your mind. On one side of that line is the white-hot intensity of emotions - feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and resentment sometimes bordering on hatred - directed at your spouse and perhaps at third parties. On the other side of that line is the straightforward awareness of the concessions you need (money, time with the children, living arrangements, etc.) to get on with your life after divorce. Professional counselors are trained and equipped to help you understand the feelings you are having. This can help you keep your emotions under control, think strategically, and keep a cool head for the tough negotiations you must conduct with your spouse.

But beware. If you and your spouse are likely to disagree about who will spend what time with the children, you should know that a counselor may be forced to tell a court what you said in counseling sessions. If you think you may be arguing about custody, visit with your attorney before beginning counseling.

Use Your Lawyer's Time Efficiently.

Lawyers charge high hourly rates. Obviously you want to minimize the time they spend on your case. Basically this boils down to asking yourself constantly, "Is there anything my lawyer is doing that I or someone else could be doing?" This may mean, for example, that you need to resist the urge to call your lawyer to tell him or her the latest outrage you've suffered at the hands of your spouse. Call a friend or counselor instead, then distil the relevant facts down to a one-page memo that your lawyer can read and file for reference.

If information needs to be gathered, make sure you're doing as much of the work as possible. When your lawyer asks you for information, take an extra minute to find out how he or she plans to use it. This will enable you to gather the information more effectively, organize it to save the lawyer time, and perhaps even prepare a written summary of it for the lawyer's use. For a look at how the lawyer/client relationship works in adversarial divorce, check out the Open Letter From Your Divorce Lawyer.

Think Strategically.

It's so easy in divorce to get caught up in the struggle to prevail over your spouse. Any concession feels like defeat. If you focus sharply and consistently on the goals that are key to you, however, you can afford to make concessions in other areas.

Ask yourself these basic questions constantly as you negotiate: (1) How much is this issue worth to me in money terms? (2) How likely is it that I will win? (3) How do you define ‘win’? (4) How much money is it costing me to argue about it? If you can't answer all three questions in a way that makes it clear you should continue the struggle, it's time to discuss with your lawyer (5) How do I make a graceful concession?

The one issue that doesn't lend itself to this kind of reflection, of course, is the incendiary issue of child custody. Even here, however, there's great value in taking a step back to ask whether pursuing a custody fight is something you're doing for your children, or for your own ego. Or worse yet, because someone else in your family is pressuring you to do something you might no otherwise contemplate. Make sure you check out the information on getting your kids through this. Custody fights are hell on kids. Make sure there's a really good reason to put them through it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY FOR ADULTS

FAQ

Q. IMMEDIATELY UPON SEPARATION, WHO HAS CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN?

A. CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING PROVISIONS OF THE FAMILY RELATIONS ACT

Persons who may exercise custody

34 (1) Subject to subsection (2), the persons who may exercise custody over a child are as follows:

(a) if the father and mother live together, the father and mother jointly;

(b) if the father and mother live separate and apart, the parent with whom the child usually resides;

(c) if custody rights exist under a court order, the person who has those rights;

(d) if custody rights exist under a written agreement, the person to whom those rights are given.

(2) If persons have conflicting claims to custody under subsection (1), the following persons may exercise custody to the exclusion of the other persons unless a court otherwise orders:

(a) the person who has custody rights under a court order;

(b) if paragraph (a) does not apply, the person granted custody by an agreement;

(c) if paragraphs (a) and (b) do not apply, the person claiming custody with whom the child usually resides;

(d) if paragraph (c) applies and 2 persons are equally entitled under it, the person who usually has day to day personal care of the child.

Jurisdiction to make custody or access orders

35 (1) Subject to Part 3, a court may, on application, order that one or more persons may exercise custody over a child or have access to the child.

(1.1) The reference to "persons" in subsection (1) includes parents, grandparents, other relatives of the child and persons who are not relatives of the child.

(2) An order for access may be made whether or not a custody order is made.

(3) If a person has not received notice of a proceeding or has not been given opportunity to be heard in the proceeding, custody must not be granted to that person.

(4) An order for custody or access may include terms and conditions the court considers necessary and reasonable in the best interests of the child.

(5) An access order referred to in section 54.2 (3) of the Child, Family and Community Service Act is, for the purposes of this Act, an order for access made under this section.

Civil enforcement of custody rights

36 (1) If custody of a child is awarded to a person by an order made or enforceable under this Act and the person is denied the exercise of custody, a court may, on an application made without notice to any other person, order that the child be apprehended by a peace officer and taken to the person awarded custody.

(2) For the purposes of locating and apprehending a child in accordance with an order under subsection (1), a peace officer may enter and search any place where he or she has reasonable and probable grounds for believing the child may be.

Order restraining harassment

37 On application, a court may

(a) make an order restraining any person from molesting, annoying, harassing, communicating or attempting to molest, annoy, harass or communicate with the applicant or a child in the lawful custody of the applicant or both the applicant and a child, and

(b) require a person named in an order under paragraph (a)

(i) to enter into a recognizance, with or without sureties, or to post a bond, and

(ii) to report to the court or a person designated by the court, at the times and places and for the period of time the court directs.

Order prohibiting interference with child

38 (1) If a court makes a custody order or a custody order or separation agreement is enforceable by a court, the court may

(a) order that a person must not enter premises, including premises the person owns or has a right to possession of, where the child resides from time to time,

(b) order that a person must not make contact or endeavour to make contact with or otherwise interfere with either the child or any person who has custody of or access to the child, or

(c) if the court concludes that the person named in its custody order may not comply with an order under paragraph (a) or (b), further order that the person

(i) enter into a recognizance, with or without sureties, in any reasonable amount that the court thinks necessary,

(ii) report to the court or person designated for the period of time, and at the times and places, as the court considers necessary and reasonable,

(iii) deliver up to the court, or a person designated by the court, any documents that the court thinks fit, or

(iv) transfer specific property to a trustee named by the court to be held subject to the terms and conditions specified in the order

or any combination of these.

(2) The Provincial Court must not make an order under subsection (1) (c) (iv).

Q. WHAT DOES JOINT GUARDIANSHIP MEAN?

 A. The Master Joyce Provisions of Joint Guardianship stipulate as follows:

 Joint Guardianship of the children of the marriage is defined as follows, namely

 i.                     The mother and the father are to be the joint guardians of the estates of their children;

 ii.                   In the event of the death of either parent, the remaining parent will be the sole guardian of the person of the children;

iii.                  The parent, who has the primary responsibility for the day to day care of the children will have the obligation to advise the other parent of any matters of a significant nature affecting that child;

iv.                 The parent who has the primary responsibility for the day to day care of the children will have the obligation to advise and discuss with the other parent any decision which has to be made of a significant nature affecting the children; inclusive of decisions concerning the health (except emergency decisions), education, religious instruction and general welfare of the children;

v.                   The parent who does not have the primary residence of the children will have the obligation to discuss the foregoing issues with the other parent and each parent shall have the obligation to try to reach agreement on those major decisions affecting the children;

vi.                 In the event that the parents cannot reach agreement with respect to any major decision affecting the children, despite their best efforts, the parent who has the primary responsibility for the day to day care of the children shall have the right to make such decisions;

vii.                The parent who does not have the primary residence of the children shall have the right, under the provisions of the Family Relations Act, to seek a review of any decision which that parent considers to be contrary to the best interests of the children;

viii.              The parents shall each have the right to obtain information concerning the children directly from third parties, including, teachers, counselors, medical professionals and third party caregivers.