Family Law

It's your divorce. It is you who is going to have to live with the consequences. As a result, you are the one who needs to decide how to get through your divorce. You can choose how you're going to get through the process in one piece, and what sort of life you're going to lead when you're finished.

FIRST - Get Counseling.

At first glance, it must seem strange to think you could save money by spending $70 or $80 per hour on a counselor. But it does make sense. The technical issues in divorce are usually pretty simple. What makes the process so time-consuming - and expensive - is the emotional intensity of the parties.

To negotiate effectively, you need to draw a line in your mind. On one side of that line is the white-hot intensity of emotions - feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and resentment sometimes bordering on hatred - directed at your spouse and perhaps at third parties. On the other side of that line is the straightforward awareness of the concessions you need (money, time with the children, living arrangements, etc.) to get on with your life after divorce. Professional counselors are trained and equipped to help you understand the feelings you are having. This can help you keep your emotions under control, think strategically, and keep a cool head for the tough negotiations you must conduct with your spouse.

But beware. If you and your spouse are likely to disagree about who will spend what time with the children, you should know that a counselor may be forced to tell a court what you said in counseling sessions. If you think you may be arguing about custody, visit with your attorney before beginning counseling.

Use Your Lawyer's Time Efficiently.

Lawyers charge high hourly rates. Obviously you want to minimize the time they spend on your case. Basically this boils down to asking yourself constantly, "Is there anything my lawyer is doing that I or someone else could be doing?" This may mean, for example, that you need to resist the urge to call your lawyer to tell him or her the latest outrage you've suffered at the hands of your spouse. Call a friend or counselor instead, then distil the relevant facts down to a one-page memo that your lawyer can read and file for reference.

If information needs to be gathered, make sure you're doing as much of the work as possible. When your lawyer asks you for information, take an extra minute to find out how he or she plans to use it. This will enable you to gather the information more effectively, organize it to save the lawyer time, and perhaps even prepare a written summary of it for the lawyer's use. For a look at how the lawyer/client relationship works in adversarial divorce, check out the Open Letter From Your Divorce Lawyer.

Think Strategically.

It's so easy in divorce to get caught up in the struggle to prevail over your spouse. Any concession feels like defeat. If you focus sharply and consistently on the goals that are key to you, however, you can afford to make concessions in other areas.

Ask yourself these basic questions constantly as you negotiate: (1) How much is this issue worth to me in money terms? (2) How likely is it that I will win? (3) How do you define ‘win’? (4) How much money is it costing me to argue about it? If you can't answer all three questions in a way that makes it clear you should continue the struggle, it's time to discuss with your lawyer (5) How do I make a graceful concession?

The one issue that doesn't lend itself to this kind of reflection, of course, is the incendiary issue of child custody. Even here, however, there's great value in taking a step back to ask whether pursuing a custody fight is something you're doing for your children, or for your own ego. Or worse yet, because someone else in your family is pressuring you to do something you might no otherwise contemplate. Make sure you check out the information on getting your kids through this. Custody fights are hell on kids. Make sure there's a really good reason to put them through it.